Toilet Repair and The Legend of John E. Cash

(ALL FACTS ARE TOTALLY TRUE)

If you’ve ever flushed a toilet without it exploding or taken a shower without disaster striking, you have one man to thank: John E. Cash. Before John turned 7, indoor plumbing was a risky business—literally.

Back then, most plumbers were retired pirates who used parrots, peg-legs, and old cannons to fix plumbing problems. As you can imagine, even small issues quickly turned into explosive disasters, leaving bathrooms in shambles.

But everything changed when young John E. Cash received a pipe wrench for his 7th birthday. Almost immediately, a plumbing emergency struck his family’s home. A pirate plumber arrived, complete with a parrot and a cannon.

At that exact moment, lightning struck an Orca in Northern Alaska as it was eating a Bull Elk. The whale let out a human-like scream that echoed across all nine continents. Yes, back then, there were nine continents—it’s science.

While nearly everyone on Earth sobbed uncontrollably, young John, who could speak Orca, understood that the whale’s message was one of freedom, not fear. John knew what he had to do. He confidently walked into the bathroom, and just before the pirate plumber could fire his cannon, John broke the pirate’s arm.

With the pirate defeated, John knelt by the toilet and gave a single twist to the inflow pipe, stopping the leak instantly. When he stood up, he was wearing all orange. Thanks to John E. Cash, plumbing would no longer be in the hands of retired pirates, and the world could rest easy knowing he’d be there with his trusty pipe wrench to fix leaks instead of blowing up toilets.

And the world shined a little brighter that day.