Toilet Repair and The Legend of John E. Cash


If you’ve ever flushed a toilet that didn’t explode, or if you’ve ever taken a shower that didn’t end in certain tragedy, you only have one man to thank for it: John E. Cash. Before John E. Cash turned 7 years of age, indoor plumbing was a total crapshoot. 


Literally. In those days, most plumbers were actually retired pirates who used a combination of parrots, peg-legs, and old cannons to help fix residential plumbing problems.


As you might guess, even minor plumbing problems would quickly escalate into explosive plumbing catastrophes, full of soaked peg legs and blown-up bathrooms. But all that changed when young John E. Cash was given a pipe wrench for his 7th birthday.

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After the obligatory rite of passage that all 7-year-old Cash boys must endure (bear wrestling tournament, woodworking competition, and mustache contest), young John E. unwrapped the onionskin-clad present to unveil a box of shotgun shells, a used fillet knife with dried fish guts on it, and a shiny, chrome pipe wrench that John E. aptly nicknamed, “This.” Little did the world know that John E. Cash would soon use “This” to change the face of plumbing. Forever.
As luck would have it, John E.’s chance for greatness came almost immediately, as a major plumbing emergency occurred in John E.’s family home almost as soon as he held “This” in his hands for the first time. A Plumbing Pirate was summoned, and went peg-legging into the family bathroom, with parrot and cannon in tow. At that moment, lightning from Northern Alaska struck an Orca as it was devouring a Bull Elk. The human-like scream that the Orca uttered was heard on all 9 continents. Yes. At that time, there were 9 continents. It’s Science. Don’t worry about it. Anywho, nearly every human on Earth began to sob uncontrollably. That is, except John E. Cash. Young John, who spoke Orca, knew that the whale had not intended his message for fear, but for freedom. In that moment, John E. knew what he was supposed to do. He walked confidently into the family bathroom, and just before the plumber pirate pulled the string on his cannon, John E. broke the pirate’s arm. With the pirate defeated, John E. knelt down beside the family toilet, and gave a single twist to the inflow piping, which immediately stopped the toilet from leaking.
When he stood up, he was wearing all orange. Now that plumbing would no longer be conducted by retired pirates, the world could rest a little easier knowing that John E. Cash would always be there with his trusty pipe wrench to fix leaky toilets, instead of using a cannon to blow them up like an idiot. And the world shined a little brighter that day.

If plumbing problems at your home or business have made your life cloudy and dark, you can rest assured knowing that one call to Panther Plumbing can fix your plumbing problems, and brighten your day back to a pleasant, Safety Orange hue. So don’t hesitate. Call Panther Plumbing today for all your Residential or Commercial Plumbing Needs.

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